Vegan Beyond Vegan!

Slowly, steadily, the world is going vegan. At this point your only option is to just give up and accept it quietly. It’s that, or you can pour all your money and time into making lab-grown meats, which is just… oh gosh, just the phrase makes me feel sick.

But even among vegans, I will stand as a shining beacon, for I am a hyper-vegan. That’s right: no cruelty to plants when I’m around! I subsist on a diet of fallen fruits, vegetables and leaves, but apart from all that, I’m wondering what I do now that I want my whole house remodelled. It’s just not vegan enough. I’m sure there are plenty of Melbourne companies for bathroom renovation who’d come and slap in any old timber, but I want my home to be THE kindest in all of history. I’m talking kitchen renovations using only wood that has fallen from trees naturally.

Furthermore, all the metal has to be either the stuff that you find naturally just lying on the floor in a mine (and not forcibly removed from the organic rock wall). That, or it has to come from a meteorite. Look, I can only be expected to look after one planet, and I have no idea where that giant space rock came from so I can’t really feel bad for whoever might be missing it. Rip out ALL that metal; I’ll use it to build my countertop. While the rest of the world removes ore from its natural habitat underground, I’ll be using metal and all other materials in a new, kinder way. The way of the future.

People don’t understand the struggles of the hyper-vegan, especially when I decide I want extensive bathroom and kitchen remodelling and renovation. Making things hard for myself, but you can always be kinder, and I’m not just going to accept any old kitchen renovation ideas. Melbourne has to have renovation specialists who believe, like me, that cutting down a tree is like ripping off a band-aid for Mother Earth. 

Mildly painful, but if you could not, that would be great.